The Paradox of Appreciation
Can't find the love you seek? Look no further — than yourself.
Appreciation
We all want it. We all need it. Feels nice to get it. It’s an acknowledgement of what we do, who we are, what we’re about, what’s meaningful in our lives.
When we don’t feel appreciated, it saps our motivation, diminishes our ability to perform, sabotages our will to do our very best, to serve others, especially those who don’t seem to appreciate our efforts on their behalf.
But how to remedy this conundrum?
Which came first?
The paradox of appreciation is that in order to get it, you have to give it.
If you want to feel more appreciated by others — your spouse, your clients, your kids, your colleagues, your employees, your boss, your agent, your partner, your fans, your parents, your teachers — you have to first truly appreciate their efforts.
It’s not enough just to pay them a compliment. You have to feel appreciation wholly and completely with the totality of your being.
You must acknowledge first and foremost the gift of their attention, intention, efforts, love, knowledge, wisdom, experience, kindness, generosity, talent, beauty, grace, aplomb, maturity, prowess, patience, gentleness, affection, authenticity… whatever it is that you genuinely regard as something worth appreciating.
You need to appreciate them. And then it comes back to you.
Hollywood Metaphor
This was demonstrated clearly whilst I was directing actors in a romantically-comedic love scene that wasn’t working. There was a lack of oomph between this male-female couple and I needed to really feel their connection and desire for each other. But I didn’t. Because there was no attraction, no animal magnetism, no chemistry.
Actress A just didn’t feel any spark with Actor B. Could have been that he had bad breath, that he wasn’t her type, that he said something off color to her at the craft service table, or that she felt inner conflict because her new flame—the cameraman—was pulling focus on the set. Whatever the reason… the scene just wasn’t working. And yet, the script demanded they feel some heat together.
Actor B didn’t have a problem with Actress A, but his performance reflected rejection. It is difficult to charm a person who finds you repellent.
Then I recalled a tip my directing teacher, Judith Weston, had imparted, which could potentially remedy this dynamic. “Take 5,” I called.
I pulled each actor aside and asked them privately to allow themselves to be attracted to just one thing about their scene partner.
This adjustment posed an invitation for Actress A to find SOMETHING attractive about Actor B. It created the space to explore his appeal: his eyes, his thick head of hair, his dashing smile, his sense of humor, or his earlobes, for example. Everyone has got something worthwhile, some appealing feature. Even if it’s our ability to embarrass ourselves, our sensitivity… or our erect posture.
My hope was that Actress A could find that something. It was her job, after all. It’s what she had trained to do. And in finding that something — his eyelashes, his voice, his laugh — and focusing on THAT as her object of her attraction, she could allow herself to become drawn it. It didn’t have to be the whole person, the complete package. Just the guy’s stunning earlobes, or whatever.
“Let’s play the scene again,” I said. “Action!”
As the actress invited an affinity for that one element, an appreciation of that singular aspect, it filled her with the requisite desire to play the scene and immediately Actor B felt attractive and, in turn, found her attractive. She appreciated some quality in him, and he reciprocated her appreciation.
Voila! Chemical reaction. Kismet. I had my scene.
Charmed Life
Another example from the thespian sphere (the world’s a stage and we upon it merely players): Cary Grant. The Ultimate Charm Machine.
Even if you don’t know his movies (Hitchock’s North by Northwest, To Catch a Thief, others maybe not-so-much) and acknowledge he’s from another era, you’ve seen photos of the man and know that he exuded charisma.
Someone once asked him what the key was, what was his secret. How is he just so damn charming? And he replied, “I don’t know anything about being charming. I just know how to make others feel charming.”
What a charmer! And see: he said of himself that it wasn’t Cary Grant’s ability to charm others or to be charming or exude charming-ness. It was simply his effort to make others feel charming that makes him so fucking charming.
Such is the charmed life. (Killer good looks didn’t hurt the effort either.)
Real Life
Same goes for appreciation. It’s reciprocal. It’s mutual. And the dynamic of giving to receive and receiving what you give operates in similar fashion.
You want to be appreciated? Well, start recognizing that which YOU appreciate in the world. Those WHOM you appreciate. Specifically and pointedly.
Identify a particular compliment you can give someone about their actions, their attitude, their way of being, their communication, their style, their perspicacity, their acumen, their appearance.
It’s not: “You’re nice.” It is: “I appreciate how you acknowledge everyone on staff as a whole person from the intern to the VP; it’s an admirable quality in a leader.”
It’s not: “You look good today.” But more: “I really like how that jade pendant your wearing picks up the green in your eyes.”
One is appropriate at work, one maybe not. But the point is thus: be specific. It’s always better to be appreciated specifically. And honestly.
A random compliment is fine — “Nice glasses,” or “You’re a cool person.” But specificity delivers a higher vibration. Such as, “I love how eloquently you wrapped up the pitch to the buyer. You highlighted the selling points while keeping it light.” Or: “You have a real panache when you enter the room. Your insouciant manner just smacks of confidence and poise.”
The latter in each case just feels… better. Because it is better. The more precise the appreciation you give out, the more attention to detail you’ve paid, the more the other person feels appreciated.
And then that appreciation can be reflected back to you.
Simple. Not Easy.
It’s a paradox. But also pretty simple to understand: Give to receive. Give in the way you wish to receive. Give unto others as you would wish them to give unto you. You know, like Christ was suggesting.
Simple. But not always easy. It’s a practice. One you can get better at every day. In order to be better. And to be better appreciated.
Which brings me to the second essential piece of the puzzle: In order to be appreciated one must be able to RECEIVE appreciation.
Again, it’s reciprocal. An in-and-out flow. The Yin-Yang of life. One must be able to receive a compliment with grace in order to give a compliment with grace. Another paradox. Which makes total sense. And totally makes sense.
It’s essential to be able to accept praise, gratitude, appreciation or a compliment with ease because it makes the giving party, the compliment-wielding party, feel good. Don’t push away the compliment. Don’t diminish the prize. Don’t return the gift. Accept it with a smile and a simple, “Thank you.” That is enough.
It also enables and empowers you to be able to heap praise upon others so that they will accept your acknowledgements. Because giving a compliment, showing appreciation to another, takes confidence, requires aplomb. With a side of humility for style.
Example:
You had an awesome home-cooked dinner that rivaled the best restaurant you’ve ever eaten in. You say to your chef-host: “That was an amazing meal! Delicious. You cook like a God,” with the full expectation your appreciation will be generously accepted. But then…
The chef, in error, attempting to appear humble says, “Oh, it wasn’t my best. I thought the fish was undercooked and oversalted. It’s just an old recipe my grandmother gave me anyway. And I’ve never made it as good as she…”
And then upon seeing your face fall tries to save it. “But… thank you!”
“Ugh. That felt like shit,” you think. “Why did I open my mouth? Are my taste buds that unrefined? I didn’t think it was salty or undercooked. Now I feel stupid.”
Outcome:
Guess who is never going to pay the chef another compliment for fear of being perceived as dumb or tasteless or simply praising a flawed meal.
So the praiser feels admonished instead of received. And the chef, bless his heart, has denied the compliment, demeaned his guest, and he has deflected any future praise from that same once-sanguine friend. All to appear “humble” because the chef doesn’t know how to just take a compliment.
Major bummer. Bad move. Wrong play. Do NOT do this.
Just accept the compliment with grace and a smile. Get good at accepting them. Really good. Natural. Gracious. It’ll not only make you better at giving praise. But will make you better at calling it in because you will make others feel good when they appreciate you.
Get it? You help others feel good about themselves by accepting their genuine appreciation of you.
Things that Make You Go Hmmm…
A paradox of Truth.
But as I’ve said before, when we are coming close to, approaching, circling truth, uncovering the paradox means that we are on the mark. When something has veracity, its opposite is, enigmatically, also true.
Same goes for appreciation. In order to receive it, you’ve got to give it. It’s a paradox, something that the artist, M.C. Escher, clearly understood. 👇🏼
Paradoxical. And quixotic. That’s the Universe for you. With its divinely wry wit. Which is why God is British. But that’s a post for another time.
Wrapping It Up
So you have to acknowledge others specifically and genuinely. Honestly and graciously. (Even if you send an Invisible Thank You Note!)
When you do, it will open the doors of appreciation FOR YOU. You shall feel the appreciation come back to you, especially when you need it.
Eckhart Tolle wrote:
“Acknowledging the good that is already in your life is the foundation for all abundance.”
Appreciation turns your attention towards abundance in any case. And that’s a good thing. Feeling abundant about all the blessings and generosities received from people to whom you can show appreciation actually fills you with joy.
And now that you know the secret sauce, the lesson, the Golden Rule, you can embrace the paradox and leverage it to your advantage. Want appreciation? Come and get it! By going out and giving it. Plentifully.
I am already appreciating you for doing so. I’ll graciously accept your appreciation in paid subscriptions and engaging comments below.
« Wink-wink. »
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An excellent presentation with giving and receiving love and complements. It was an interesting observation when you directed the two actors to find some thing my wife and each other which increase the chemistry to make a successful seen..